Promises Broken, Promises Unspoken

<BODY BGCOLOR="#FFFFFF" LINK="#000000" VLINK="#000000" ALINK="#000000"> <CENTER><TABLE><TR><TD WIDTH=20% VALIGN="TOP"> <A NAME="top"> <P> <B><a href="http://betmish.org/text/kn5760drash.html">Text-Only Version</a></B> <P> <BIG><B><a href="http://betmish.org/index.html">Home</A></B></BIG> <P> <BIG><B><a href="http://betmish.org/whatsnew.html">What's New</A></B></BIG> <P> <BIG><B><a href="http://betmish.org/calendar.html#July8">Coming Events</A></B></BIG> <P> <BIG><B><a href="http://betmish.org/drashot.html">D'rashot</A></B></BIG> <P> <BIG><B><a href="http://betmish.org/do.html">What We Do</A></B></BIG> <P> <BIG><B><a href="http://betmish.org/who.html">Who We Are</A></B></BIG> <P> <BIG><B><a href="http://betmish.org/contact.html">Contact Us</A></B></BIG> <P> <BIG><B><a href="http://betmish.org/faq.html">Frequently Asked Questions</A></B></BIG> <P> <BIG><B><a href="http://betmish.org/archives.html">Archives</A></B></BIG> <P> <BIG><B><a href="http://betmish.org/links.html">Links</A></B></BIG> <P> <BIG><B><a href="http://betmish.org/member.html">Membership</A></B></BIG> <P> <BIG><B><a href="http://betmish.org/credits.html">Credits</A></B></BIG> <P> <BIG><B><a href="http://betmish.org/addbook.html">Guest book</A></B></BIG> </FONT></TD> <TD ALIGN=CENTER VALIGN=TOP WIDTH="80%> <CENTER>    <table border="0" align="center"> <tr> <td align="center"> <a href="http://betmish.org/index.html" target="_top"><IMG border=0 src="http://betmish.org/images/banner2.gif" align=center height="104" width="512" hspace=5 alt="Bet Mishpachah banner"></a> </td> <td align="left"> <font size="-5"><a href="http://betmish.org/child/descriptions/banner.html">Banner<br>Description</a></font> </td> </tr> <tr> <td align="center"> <p><font size="-1"><i>Washington, DC's Egalitarian Synagogue</i><br> <i>Embracing a Diversity of Sexual and Gender Identities</i></font> </p> <p> <b><font face="Arial"><font size="+1">Rabbi Bob Saks<br> </font></font></b><br> <font face="Arial"><font size="-1"><i>Founded in 1975 by Members of the GLBT Community<font color="white" size="-4"> </font></i></font></font></p> </td> <td align="left"> <font size="-4" color="white"> </font> </td> </tr> </table> </center> <h1 align=center>Promises Broken, Promises Unspoken</h1> <center>by Joyce Singer <BR>Kol Nidre 5760<BR> 19 Oct 1999</CENTER> <P>Heidi had returned to the mountain to be with her beloved grandfather. She had missed him and Grandmama, and Peter and the goats. She had been looking forward to Clara’s visit. But the doctor had arrived alone. </P> <P>"Where are Clara and Grandmother?" she asked.</P> <P>"Ah, now I have to tell you something which you will be as sorry about as I am," answered the doctor. "You see, Heidi, I have come alone. Clara was very ill and could not travel and so the grandmother stayed behind, too. But next spring, when the days grow warm and long again, they are coming here for certain."</P> <P>Heidi was greatly concerned; she could not at first bring herself to believe that what she had for so long been picturing to herself was not going to happen after all. She stood motionless for a second or two, overcome by the unexpected disappointment. The doctor said nothing further; all around lay the silence, only the sighing of the fir trees could be heard from where they stood.</P> <P>How often have you been overcome by the disappointment of a promise broken? Standing motionless inside a silence so deep for a second that goes on forever?</P> <P>How often have you said or heard, "But you promised!" "You gave me your word." "You made a vow?" </P> <P>Heidi appeared to deal with her disappointment rather well. She lifted her eyes and saw the sad expression in his as he looked down at her.  She was so anxious to make the doctor happy again that she began once more assuring him that the winter passed so quickly on the mountain that it was hardly to be taken account of, and that summer would be back again before they knew it, and she became so convinced of the truth of her own words that she called out cheerfully to her grandfather as they approached.</P> <P>The story ends beautifully with everyone happy and fulfilled, loving one another and loving God. A tale of redemption. It could very well be that Heidi never experienced another disappointment in her life, another broken promise, but most of us do. And each disappointment, each broken promise erodes our trust in others, and after many years of burying the disappointment and putting on a smile to make the awkwardness pass, we are afraid to trust ourselves.</P> <P>How do things get so undone, how do our words become so misconstrued? There we are engaged in a dialogue, sometimes for years, and one day we wake up and discover we have been indeed been carrying on a conversation, but not with one another. And one of us looks at the other and sees it all with such clarity that it knocks the wind right out of us. Heidi looks in the mirror for a reality check only to find J. Alfred Prufrock staring back musing,</P> <blockquote><P>And would it have been worth it, after all, <BR>After the cups, the marmalade the tea, <BR>Among the porcelain, among some talk of you and me, <BR>Would it have been worth while, <BR>To have bitten off the matter with a smile, <BR>To have squeezed the universe into a ball <BR>To roll it to some overwhelming question, <BR>To say, "I am Lazarus, come from the dead, <BR>Come back to tell you all, I shall tell you all" <BR>If one, settling a pillow by her head, <BR>Should say, "That is not what I meant at all. <BR>That is not it at all."</blockquote> <P>Packed among the baggage we carry through life, folded neatly atop the neuroses and minor phobias, are the assumptions and perceptions we developed in our family communications. And so we enter into relationships and talk about the color red not realizing we’re shades off. </P> <P>Sometimes a promise is not a promise. Sometimes it’s a way of getting the other person to shut up or to stop crying. Sometimes it’s a conditioned response to a pitiful puppy dog look or an angry sneer. Sometimes a promise is a promise when it’s spoken but becomes less of a promise when the words are carried away in the wind. </P> <P>It must have been 1956. My brothers, Brian and Mark and I were walking along the side of the road on our way back home. We were discussing whether our mother would go along with something. I can’t remember what it was. Was it some place we wanted to go? Something we wanted her to buy for us? I remember the conversation, though. "Do you think she will?" "No." "But she said, maybe." And Brian, the eldest, with all the wisdom of an 8-year old, said, "When she says maybe, it usually means no." My mother would never make promises. "We’ll see," she’d say, or "maybe." At six I couldn’t understand how "maybe" could usually mean no, or why a parent couldn’t give a straight answer. And then I became a parent and I took extra care not to make a promise to my son I wasn’t sure I could keep. "We’ll see", I’d say. "We’ll see."</P> <P>A young lesbian poet who writes under name Bongo Bear offers us this poem: <blockquote><P>Promises:</FONT> Copyright © by Bongo Bear, October 23, 1997</P> <P>Promises should never be<BR> wishes that cannot be granted.<BR> Promises should never be<BR> desires that go unfulfilled.<BR> Promises should never be<BR> dreams that cannot come true.<BR> Promises should never be<BR> an empty heart's longing</P> <P>for the unattainable. <BR> Promises should never be<BR> made to those you love,<BR> but cannot love. <BR> If the end is<BR> nothing but heartbreak,<BR> then the <BR> promises should never be. </P></blockquote> <P>But, we never can know what the end will be. And so we make promises and give our word, and take vows and there are many times when the end is nothing but heartache.</P> <P>Baruch She’amar v’hayah ha-olam</I> begins the morning blessing. Blessed is the one Who spoke and the world came into being. The sages say that this blessing should remind us of the awesome power of words. If a world can be created with words, then a world can be destroyed with words. Words of hate and prejudice, words that belittle, words that are given and then taken away. Promises broken.</P> <P>Promises broken. But what of promises unspoken? What of the word never given? The vow never taken? </P> <P>There is an implied covenant in each role we take on. There is a silent promise in being a parent that says I will protect you from harm and evil. There is an unspoken promise in friendship that says I will be honest with you.</P> <P>There is an implied covenant in being a member of society that each of us is responsible for one another. Judaism demands it. Like Jonah, we can’t run away from our sacred duty. We can’t hide in the hold of the ship and escape in dreamless sleep. If we do society will rise up in waves of anger and we’ll sink to the bottom of the sea. </P> <P>We look around and don’t like what we see. But we remain silent. Jan Kemp tells us in the <i>Feminine Face of God</i>, "Silence isn’t always golden, you know. Sometimes it’s just plain yellow." When just one child goes to school hungry our future is compromised. Each senseless murder threatens every one of us, diminishes our freedom, whittles away our trust. As the racial divide expands, and the gap between rich and poor widens, the have-nots face the morning with the beast in their bellies. How long before we all wake up in the belly of the beast? </P> <P>This is the most awesome day of the year. Erev Yom Kippur. Kol Nidre, this prayer in which we seek absolution from oaths we may unwittingly or unavoidably break in the coming year underscores the importance of honoring our commitments and keeping our word. Kol Nidre ushers in Yom Kippur. Yom Kippur, the day of repentance and atonement, begins with a prayer that does not mention repentance but expresses the sacredness of our promises. Kol Nidre acknowledges our human frailties while reminding us to carefully weigh our words, and our silences. And each word and each silence has the power to bring us one step farther from or one step closer to redemption. <I>Mi yom kippurim zeh ad yom kippurim habah</I> from this Day of Atonement to the next Day of Atonement may we as a congregation take one step closer to our redemption.</P> </TD></TR></TABLE></CENTER> <P><HR> <p align="center"><FONT face=Arial><small><small><b>For a description of any of the graphics on this page, click on the D next to the graphic. <BR>For more information, contact our office at <a href="mailto:office@betmishpachah.org?SUBJECT=Request for Information from Web Site">office@betmishpachah.org</a><br> Send comments about this site to <a href="mailto:webweaver@betmishpachah.org?SUBJECT=Comments About Web Site">webweaver@betmishpachah.org</a>.<br> Copyright 1996 - 2008 Bet Mishpachah.</b></small></small></FONT> <CENTER><font face=Arial size="-1" color="#999999"><small><small><P><b>This page last modified on Sunday, May 18, 2003 at 08:02 PM EDT.</b></small></small></font> </CENTER> </body>