Bet Mishpachah D'rash: The Heart of T'shuva

<BODY BGCOLOR="#FFFFFF" LINK="#000000" VLINK="#000000" ALINK="#000000"> <CENTER><TABLE><TR><TD WIDTH=20% VALIGN="TOP"> <A NAME="top"> <P> <B><a href="http://betmish.org/text/kn5764drash.html">Text-Only Version</a></B> <P> <BIG><B><a href="http://betmish.org/index.html">Home</A></B></BIG> <P> <BIG><B><a href="http://betmish.org/whatsnew.html">What's New</A></B></BIG> <P> <BIG><B><a href="http://betmish.org/calendar.html#July8">Coming Events</A></B></BIG> <P> <BIG><B><a href="http://betmish.org/drashot.html">D'rashot</A></B></BIG> <P> <BIG><B><a href="http://betmish.org/do.html">What We Do</A></B></BIG> <P> <BIG><B><a href="http://betmish.org/who.html">Who We Are</A></B></BIG> <P> <BIG><B><a href="http://betmish.org/contact.html">Contact Us</A></B></BIG> <P> <BIG><B><a href="http://betmish.org/faq.html">Frequently Asked Questions</A></B></BIG> <P> <BIG><B><a href="http://betmish.org/archives.html">Archives</A></B></BIG> <P> <BIG><B><a href="http://betmish.org/links.html">Links</A></B></BIG> <P> <BIG><B><a href="http://betmish.org/member.html">Membership</A></B></BIG> <P> <BIG><B><a href="http://betmish.org/credits.html">Credits</A></B></BIG> <P> <BIG><B><a href="http://betmish.org/addbook.html">Guest book</A></B></BIG> </FONT></TD> <TD ALIGN=CENTER VALIGN=TOP WIDTH="80%> <CENTER>    <table border="0" align="center"> <tr> <td align="center"> <a href="http://betmish.org/index.html" target="_top"><IMG border=0 src="http://betmish.org/images/banner2.gif" align=center height="104" width="512" hspace=5 alt="Bet Mishpachah banner"></a> </td> <td align="left"> <font size="-5"><a href="http://betmish.org/child/descriptions/banner.html">Banner<br>Description</a></font> </td> </tr> <tr> <td align="center"> <p><font size="-1"><i>Washington, DC's Egalitarian Synagogue</i><br> <i>Embracing a Diversity of Sexual and Gender Identities</i></font> </p> <p> <b><font face="Arial"><font size="+1">Rabbi Bob Saks<br> </font></font></b><br> <font face="Arial"><font size="-1"><i>Founded in 1975 by Members of the GLBT Community<font color="white" size="-4"> </font></i></font></font></p> </td> <td align="left"> <font size="-4" color="white"> </font> </td> </tr> </table> </center> <center><h1>The Heart of T'shuva</h1></center> <center><b>Sarajane Garten <br><span lang="Transliterated Hebrew"><i>Kol Nidre D'rash</i></span> 5764 <br>October 5, 2003</b></CENTER> <P>Rabbi Aaron Lefkowitz, of blessed memory, was the spiritual leader of Temple Beth Miriam, the congregation in which I grew up. In partnership with my parents, Rabbi Lefkowitz was present at every life cycle event, sheparding me from consecration through confirmation. The Reverend Doctor Lefkowitz, as he preferred to be called, appeared to me more educated, more erudite, and certainly more holy than anyone else I knew. <P>High Holy Days were awe inspiring - the Rabbi and Cantor in their white satin robes and caps; the organ and choir hidden from view, yet a powerful presence nonetheless through the miracle of a modern sound system. <P>And the sermons - I am sure he would be delighted to know I found every one of them fascinating - even the ones I didn't understand. Every year we knew that one of them would be about a trip he had taken that summer and what he had learned about the Jewish community there. The adult equivalent, I suppose, of that dreaded of all school essays: what I did on my summer vacation. <P>And every year, as High Holy Days approached, the jokes would start. Where did he go this year? What travelogue would we have to suffer through? In each service, right after the Amida, just as he was going to speak, people would get up and leave the sanctuary. Oh, how I longed to defend him, to scold all those rude enough to leave. Didn't they know his feelings would be hurt? So I beg your indulgence, as I dedicate my comments tonight to his memory, and tell you about a trip I took this year; what I learned about the Jewish community there, about faith, and perhaps, about forgiveness. For this was a year when I lost my ability to pray, my faith in God and my faith in this congregation. A journey away from home and back again; a journey of t'shuva. <P>I didn't take this journey with forethought or intent. There was no travel agent; no Map Quest printout. One day I simply stopped talking to God. I couldn't tell you why; Even now, the most I can say is that life simply got in the way. A rabbi I studied with retired and left town, my partner was not well; my Mother was not well, my ex died. My job demanded time and attention. There was a sniper; there is a war. <P>And one day, home alone, I witnessed the power of nature, as rain fell and the house flooded. The accumulation was extraordinary, and I retreated into the sanctuary of solitude. I withdrew from many - God among them. <P>This congregation became my rock and my foundation when I moved here ten years ago. From among its members, I found friends, a life partner and created a chosen family for myself. I struggle now as I watch us grapple with money issues, politics and hurt feelings. It was while I considered searching for another spiritual home that I realized I was in trouble. And in the end, it was while thinking about leaving Bet Mishpachah that I found my ability to talk to God again. Like a trial separation before divorce, I found the where with all to face the demon as it were and renew my membership. <P>Rabbi Laura Geller writes that all theology is autobiography. As we struggle with the narrow places in our lives we find ourselves in mitzrayim, our own, personal constricted place. A single moment of clarity as we wrestle with a problem whose solution has eluded us - and we are once again at Sinai. The path from mitzrayim to Sinai, to exile and redemption, alienation and t'shuva - returning to God; these are our stories and these stories are our theology. <P>So I share this story of my journey from faith to despair and back again, not to garner your sympathy. Rather, to illustrate how easy it is to lose our way. Here, tonight, I offer you a different image of Yom Kippur. Not a fearful path towards identifying our failings; more like a day at the spa. You know, that day we all wish and long for. Nothing to do, no job, no chores, no thinking; a day of time outside of time; no reservations required. <P>As we pray for forgiveness and redemption on this Holy night, it is within each of is to transform the words in our machzor from text to prayer. The words on the page become our signposts, our Map Quest print out. Some of us image God traditionally - as a parent or a judge. Some of us image God non-traditionally, as a breath or a still small voice within our self. Some of us have no image of God, but create a personal haven for prayer and meditation nonetheless. It matters not; there is no hierarchy of correctness. <P>When we take this Holy Day, this moment in our life story seriously; when we take the journey with forethought and intent, we will have accomplished the Biblical obligation for this Holy Day. It was Rabbi Nachman of Bratslav who said there will be many times that we find it impossible to say anything to God; our mouth will be sealed; we will be unable to find any words. But if we are prepared to speak to God, if we yearn and long to do so, and are still unable to, <span lang="Transliterated Hebrew"><i>Deyeinu</i></span>, that, is enough; you can make prayer out of that desire. <P>On that day when I was truly powerless - watching rising waters encroach on my home; I trembled before the power of the Almighty and survived with help from friends made here in this congregation. Their arms were strong enough to carry ruins from the house; warm enough to offer solace; and willing enough to help us repaint and recover. Yet I forgot that God was present in each of their hearts, as mine had closed with each additional inch of water. Had I but realized it then, their help was saving much more than books or furniture. Each of them helped my journey back to faith in ways I assume are unknown to them; but not to me, nor to God. <P>Just as it started, my return to faith and prayer began slowly. One day as I walked from the Metro to the office I realized I was chanting the Amida instead of the Sousa marches I usually use to set my pace. I thanked God one day for an exceptionally beautiful sunset. A finally, one Friday night, as I chazened for the congregation I found myself enraptured. My t'shuva, and perhaps my salvation came in reawakening to the blessings and gifts that were mine - the beauty of my faith, the splendor of nature, and most of all, the love and caring that I had received from my friends, from my community, my Mishpachah. <P>As my awareness of good returned, I found myself fulfilling the mitzvah of <span lang="Transliterated Hebrew"><i>Hakarat ha Tov</i></span> - acknowledging all of life's blessings. Seeing the good, even in difficult times, the good in small acts of kindness and care, the good in others intentions, the good in the communal family we have built together. I had unknowingly stumbled into a mitzvah unaware it would become my salvation. Bet Mishpachah has since identified this as the Jewish value of focus for the coming year, a year of learning and sharing that I expect will enrich many of us in unexpected ways. <P>That flood back in February was just a few weeks before I was asked to lead a High Holy Day service this year. I refused, saying I had lost my heart for it; let me drash instead. I can manage that. I am, after all, an academic by training, I can read, I can study and I can certainly write. Here in a congregation of many educated over-achievers, most of whom earn our living sitting at a desk thinking and writing, I stand to once again remind you that we cannot approach prayer, faith in God or even our selves as an intellectual exercise. <P>Rabbi Abraham Joshua Heschel wrote that when our heart cooperates with the force of faith against tumult and anxiety, it succeeds; we can feel how great and gentle prayer can be. <P>As we enter this Day of Atonement, let us welcome the opportunity it offers us. In these next 24 hours let us find our own path to God and to forgiveness, of ourselves and of others. For surely no other day can offer us so much. Whatever your journey in the year past, let each of us accept the challenge of finding the path to our heart, the road to appreciation for all that is good in life, and from there to God. <P>Earlier tonight, as we opened the Ark before praying our Kol Nidre prayer, as we stood in anticipation and perhaps a bit of awe, we welcomed all to pray with us: "No matter how far some of us may have strayed from our people, from our heritage, on this night of Repentance we pray as one." Our prayers are shared with all Jews, in all countries, on all paths - Orthodox, Conservative, Reform, Reconstructionist, Humanistic, and Renewal. We rise tonight to confess our sins and assess the worth of our actions. It has never mattered to God which one of us committed which sin, what has always mattered is that we create a community that supports and helps each of us on our journey to the redemptive power of gratitude, prayer and faith. I wish each of us a good journey. <P>Copyright Unpublished material: Sarajane Garten, October 5, 2003. </TD></TR></TABLE></CENTER> <P><HR> <p align="center"><FONT face=Arial><small><small><b>For a description of any of the graphics on this page, click on the D next to the graphic. <BR>For more information, contact our office at <a href="mailto:office@betmishpachah.org?SUBJECT=Request for Information from Web Site">office@betmishpachah.org</a><br> Send comments about this site to <a href="mailto:webweaver@betmishpachah.org?SUBJECT=Comments About Web Site">webweaver@betmishpachah.org</a>.<br> Copyright 1996 - 2008 Bet Mishpachah.</b></small></small></FONT> <CENTER><font face=Arial size="-1" color="#999999"><small><small><P><b>This page last modified on Monday, January 26, 2004 at 11:15 AM EST.</b></small></small></font> </CENTER> </body>